Nearly 11 Years On: What the IVF Postcode Lottery Gave Us, and Nearly Didn't

I first wrote this account of our IVF journey in October 2017, when Dorothy had been with us for almost two years. That was 8 years and 11 months ago. She is nearly 11 now, and reading it back I still can't quite believe how close we came to never having her at all. If you're a dad, or about to become one, wondering what IVF is really like from the partner's side, this is the honest version: the NHS funding we were lucky to get, the postcode lottery that decides who gets it, the bits I got wrong, and what it felt like when it finally worked.

Where has the time gone?

Back in 2017 it already felt like two minutes since the IVF process, even though Dorothy had burst into our lives nearly two years before and changed everything in ways we could never have dared imagine. Now, with a nearly 11 year old in the house, that whole chapter feels both a lifetime ago and like yesterday.

For several years our family of three had wanted to become four. Like many couples, we hit a bump in the road, and for a number of complicated and emotional reasons it just wasn't happening. We weighed up what we thought were our only options, and if it hadn't been for a long and complex adoption process, we could very easily have taken a child into our family and loved them as our own.

The appointment that put IVF on the table

What changed everything was a fateful appointment with a very caring doctor. She went the extra mile to answer every question Mrs P had and gave us real hope. Up until that point we truly believed there was no way we'd make a baby ourselves, and we more or less walked in expecting to be told there was absolutely no chance. How wrong we were.

Adoption, fostering or IVF abroad: weighing up the options

We did our research and were amazed at how many routes there were: adoption, fostering, having more pets, becoming an IVF tourist, or looking at affordable IVF with donor eggs if that turned out to be our issue. Don't get me wrong, an IVF cycle abroad would have been more cost effective, with the added bonus of a little mini break in the sun for me and Mrs P. I'd still suggest it as an option for anyone who has no free chances left at finding happiness.

The NHS IVF lottery we happened to win

When we opted to begin IVF, we had the full financial support of the NHS for our first round. I can honestly say we were truly blessed. Mrs P and I were both in work and we would have done everything we could to make it happen otherwise, because private IVF isn't cheap, but it's an investment in your family.

In our catchment area we were allowed two opportunities for IVF to work. Other areas either have no budget at all, or you get your first round on the NHS and then pay for anything after that. It really is an IVF postcode lottery. Hearing stories from friends and family who have been through it, it's heartbreaking to think we may never have been given that chance and Dorothy could still be a dream.

The part I got wrong as an IVF partner

Looking back, that period of our lives is a blur. Mrs P had an operation to splice and clear her tubes. The operation was a success, but the recovery was very hard, and in hindsight she wasn't given enough time and space to recover properly. Commuting really took its toll and she struggled on with her demanding job, carrying the mental and physical burden of our dreams.

I truly feel I was quite unsupportive at this stage. I saw the operation as a way to kickstart the IVF process and was so fixated on the chance to succeed that I neglected the one person who would bear the weight of a successful or failed cycle and pregnancy.

What IVF asks of your partner's body

It wasn't my body going through the changes, which began with an awful chemical menopause and ran through the sickness, PND and intense labour. I watched the glow slowly fade into tiredness and frustration as Mrs P repeatedly injected herself with egg producing chemicals, then egg stopping chemicals, while all I had to do was leave a specimen in a cup.

If you're going through IVF with your partner, it's hard for you, but I can only imagine the torture of being reminded every day that you're not pregnant and putting hope into every needle. I cannot imagine the feeling of failure and despair each time it didn't work.

But it did work and we were so fortunate.

Embryo transfer day: "Good luck little one"

I was there at egg collection. I was there for almost every scan, and I was there when all of our hopes and dreams were visible for the first time as a bright dot on a dark screen.

"Good luck little one"

Those were the words from Ibrahim, our doctor, as a small puff of air pushed our fertilised embryo into a warm resting place to grow. Mrs P was in tears and I couldn't believe what was happening. I was mentally disconnected from the process. I so badly didn't want the IVF to fail that I never really let myself believe it could work.

"Faith is what I needed but denial left me feeling emotionless right until the end."

Trying to feel useful during an IVF pregnancy

When you go through a 9 month process doing everything you can to be present, you can still find yourself struggling to connect. I found that providing things gave me some hope, and against the better judgement of the clinic I bought a travel system in the early stages. We're talking early! That was my way of feeling like I was taking some of the now growing weight off Mrs P's back.

For anyone in the middle of IVF now

There are families going through this same pain in silence, be it through the NHS, privately, or with the help of some of the amazing support services out there. IVF, with donor eggs or without, is an emotional roller coaster. The pain of an unsuccessful cycle is exhausting, and so is the strange mix of exhaustion and elation that comes with a successful one.

No one ever tells you what happens if IVF is successful. You prepare to fail so thoroughly that you forget to take in what's really happening, until the most amazing thing happens. No one tells you that when you see your baby's heart beating, it's actually part of yours.

Every day couples are striving to add to their family. Some succeed, some don't, and I wish all of them the best of luck. Being there at the birth of your own baby is an incredible feeling. In that moment you know that however many times you're woken at night, however many days feel like the worst day ever, however financially stretched you are, somehow everything is going to be OK. How could it not be?

Nearly 11 years on from our IVF, that still holds.

Tomorrow is another day and whatever life throws at us, as a family, we'll all be fine because we have each other.